I’ve been seeing a spiritual director for a few months now. The main benefit to me is it helps me ask the right questions. I have much to learn, and unlearn. In our last session I was talking with her about the difficulty I often have loving and giving myself away to those I claim to love, that it feels so draining and often thankless, with nothing coming back to me. She said, “It sounds as though you see love as linear. What if it isn’t? What if love is actually circular?” My response was a very blank stare, followed by “….. What?!” It sounded too good to be true. She continued, “And you never give love without it coming back to you in some way, maybe not from the same source, but it will come, if you wait and watch, expect and hope.” Wow. Sounded so revolutionary and amazing, it made me weep.
I wanted badly to believe it, and faith God for it. So I decided to try it on. To sit with it and pray for it, and pray for eyes to see love when it shows up. I thought about scripture that might support it, like “Give and it will be given to you, in full measure, pressed down and overflowing.” If you think about that gift being love, wow. I think I need to sit with this for a year, or maybe the rest of my life, and let God peel off layers and reveal the truth about love. I have so much to learn.
I have questions too. I give love away, but frequently with expectations attached. I get that’s what she meant by linear. So is it ok to expect that I will receive love somewhere along the way somehow? Should we pretend we don’t care a whit about being loved ourselves? What do we do with our all too human feelings? Jesus asked, “What do you want? What do you most desire?” I believe He cares about the deepest desires of our heart, and wants to meet them. And He IS love. The source. Love doesn’t begin with me. That’s a pretty shallow well. Right now I’m just believing God will meet me today. And in that awareness, I will be loved.